Even though polyamorous relationships have long-existed, there seems to be an uptick in interest in the past several years. Popular reality shows, like TLC’s Seeking Sister Wives and Seeking Brother Husband, have started conversations online about just how popular (or unpopular) it is for people to be polyamorous. I’d like to consider myself someone who would be poly if I had the patience! In reality, being poly is a sexual orientation, just like being bisexual, but it overlaps a lot with identity. The popular shows on TV have received quite a bit of backlash from the poly community because they feature more than one couple that states they are poly because a partner could not stop cheating. That is not poly at all. That is a lack of boundaries. Many partners enjoy open and consensual sexual relationships with other people, which is either swinging (interested in sex without an ongoing romantic relationship) or having an open relationship (where you are free to engage in sex with others).
Simply put, being poly is an expansive feeling that you have love to give to more than one person and enjoy receiving love from multiple people. Of course, my opinion may not encompass the totality of how every poly person has come to understand this side of themselves. Some people may have discovered they are poly because they struggled to be monogamous. Yet, that is very different than the sensationalized reality shows that present polyamory as an antidote to cheating. Two of the most important facets of a successful poly relationship are honesty and open communication, and that does not fit in with infidelity.
So, are you poly, or are you running from yourself? Let me try and help. Ask yourself these reflection questions!
Which statement is more accurate:
- I generally have secure attachment patterns (stable during threats, trusting, good boundaries)
- I have codependent habits or attachment styles that are negative ( Negative attachment styles are anxious, fearful-avoidant, and dismissive-avoidant. If you are unsure, read up on them here or take the quiz at the end: (https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships#whats-next)
Which statement is more accurate:
- I feel like I truly have so much love to give
- I find myself being empty to the point where I am in the market for all the love I can receive
Which statement is more accurate:
- I enjoy variety in my romantic life and having multiple types of connections
- I chronically feel like I need all my meets met or I am unable to find joy, and I think multiple partners would keep me stimulated
Which statement is more accurate:
- I have tried being monogamous, but I really just like lots of people at once
- I have tried being monogamous, but I tend to trauma bond with partners and feel like I need a new one when I feel too calm because I sense there is something wrong. I may also get bored very quickly and choose to start dating instead of spicing things up with my partner.
Of course, four questions may not encompass all the layers of your orientation but it is something to think about if you answer B for any of them. It doesn’t mean you aren’t poly but it likely means that you may have more work to do in order to form a healthy relationship. Without examining your attachment style and your capacity for long-term romance (including the dull or calm periods), polyamory can be a cover for just collecting partners.
Personally, I struggled with anxious attachment and then a bit of avoidant-dismissive, which is characterized by being closed off (avoidant) and then being entirely too attached too quickly (anxious). During both of those periods, the easiest way to deal with conflict was to leave, threaten to leave, or dramatically express my emotions in order to test the person’s loyalty. All of those reactions are fairly common but are not healthy launching places for a long-term relationship. I can’t imagine a worse time to get a new partner or to reject one partner and turn to another, yet those are often common reactions as well within polyamorous relationships. Black women deserve to express themselves using their voice, body, and everything in between in order to live happy lives, even if they’re unorthodox. We also deserve to heal from people-pleasing, self-esteem hurdles and the fear of abandonment. Maybe being poly is just what you need– but first, we reflect and heal. Then, we go forth and find the intimate connections that are out there waiting for us.
Crystal Saiyge is a Black woman, sex-positive interfaith minister, wife, and mom of four. Her
virtual chapel, #Churchofthebando is a liberated space for global spirituality, thoughtful inspiration,
grief counseling, sex-positive education and trap karaoke. Visit crystalsaiyge.com for more info.
