Lately, I have been talking with single friends about two of the hardest places on earth to escape: the first is the friends zone and the second is the friends-with-benefits zone. We seem to only think about how men experience the friend zone but recently, I have had some of my girls trying to climb out of the friends with benefits zone. They know I have been there and gotten a souvenir shirt, a t-shirt, and a wedding ring. My husband and I were friends for 10 years before we had a very unromantic yet matter-of-fact discussion about being married. This Juneteeth marks the 5th anniversary of our anniversary, which we made up since we had not dated before becoming engaged. How did we climb out of it? Steadily and painstakingly. Hopefully, these 3 tips to get out of the friends-with-benefits zone will make your journey more enjoyable.
- Take Sex Off the Table
I know; how could I suggest something so uncomfortable and contrary to the objective? While it may feel strange, it is actually very in line with the new objective: intimacy. You may have a sexual connection and a friendship, but if you all are finding it hard to just sit on the couch, you may be lacking intimacy. Truly take the time to delve into closeness. Make a list of all the things you would love to implement, like holding hands or starting a new show together every month. My husband started by initiating a kiss hello and goodbye, which added a coyness to our friendship. It also added a little spiciness sometimes that left me wanting more.
- Really focus hard on the friendship
It is time to break out the 21 questions or the cheesy relationship cards. What are your all-time favorite foods? What about your favorite food growing up? What about your favorite relative? How did you experience conflict in childhood? If you don’t know this stuff, it is time to find out. Sharing stories about how your character and values developed will increase your sense of trust and comfort. This will eventually lead to a deep understanding, which is a crucial part of a long-time union. Friendship undergirds strong relationships.
- Turn up the heat
Once you all have established a new closeness, you may naturally feel the sex coming on, just like it was a traditional dating experience. It may be time to put the sex back on the table and turn up the heat. Spice it up like you’ve been married for a decade. Try a massage with various scents or some brand-new lingerie. Ever heard of sensate touching? It involves a deliberate touch with a fixed gaze that purposefully skips over the intercourse in favor of intense trust and seduction. Pull out all the tricks. The only goal is to stay in character. It is absolutely one of the hardest parts of trying to become a couple who has sex instead of friends who have sex. Being playful is normally up to the individuals, just as having a quick thing without all the seduction. The issue for friends with benefits is that you’re trying to start something new with a leftover paradigm. It may help to switch up the tempo to let your mind and body know that this is something different. If you all were the hot and heavy type, try the opposite and introduce a game (like dice or truth or dare). The objective is to introduce a new way to enjoy your sex since it used to be the only thing keeping you all connected to each other.
Taking some time to individually evaluate the connection you are establishing can be a benefit in more ways than one. This process can allow you all to truly see if you are compatible or if you simply just became very comfortable with one another. It is often hard to notice if we are settling, so why not try and explore all the levels with intention? In the end, you may end up better off as friends or better off just enjoying the benefits, but enjoying sex is always a win!
Crystal Saiyge is a Black woman, sex-positive interfaith minister, wife, and mom of four. Her
virtual chapel, #Churchofthebando is a liberated space for global spirituality, thoughtful inspiration,
grief counseling, sex-positive education and trap karaoke. Visit crystalsaiyge.com for more info.
