Let’s get kinky! And, no, I do not mean that as a nickname for being freaky. Kink is its own category of desire that holds entirely too many taboos around it. Instead of addressing the ins and outs of it, let’s talk about how to approach the discomfort. In general, kink refers to types of sexual encounters that are less traditional or push the boundary of what is considered normal. Normal, for our purposes, would be common positions (missionary, doggy style, etc.), common pet names (baby, honey, etc), and common levels of consent and touch. Those things would be considered “vanilla”! Upping the ante in some of those areas could be considered kinky, i.e., adding another partner, using more provocative language, and experimenting with different levels of touch and control. It is important to note that when something is acceptable between two consenting adults, that is absolutely “normal”! Normal is what you make it. But what if one person wants to do something that the other doesn’t? What if a friend tells you something that totally catches you off guard? Have no fear– tools await you.
Communication:
Get curious! The best way to move through an uncomfortable conversation about new information is to dig deep within yourself about what makes it feel odd. Is it gross, or does it just unearth things you haven’t thought could be erotic? Is it icky, or is it something you were taught to frown upon? Ask yourself questions from every angle. Next, ask the other person questions in a polite but inquisitive way. Instead of, “why would you want to do something like that”? Try, “ what about that is pleasurable for you”? Maybe try, “how did you discover that you were into that?”. And then listen with a considerable amount of openness. It is hard to stay judgment-free at times, but it can be done with careful consideration. But how?
Practicing Non-Judgement:
Imagine for a moment that you are at a table with some friends and eating your first-ever round of tacos. Everyone’s mouth is salivating, and they’re bragging about the food at this place. You finally get your food, and everyone is oohing and ahhing. You take a bite, and your mouth is hit with the most disgusting, soapy taste bursting from every angle. As it turns out, some people are born with a variation in their “olfactory-receptor genes” that cause them to perceive the “aldehydes” in cilantro leaves as soapiness. Bizarre, right? If you didn’t know that prior, it would also be just as bizarre that everyone around you is noshing on mouths full of soap. If you did know that, you could easily pinpoint that it is the cilantro or even ask to hold the cilantro in the future. You could even get to the point of creating a personal boundary to decline invitations to eat types of cuisine that are traditionally cooked with cilantro. Reasonable, right? So, translate that into something kinky that you have never been exposed to. Your partner likes something that you didn’t know people found erotic, like having candle wax dripped on them. Ouch–doesn’t wax hurt? That may be your first question. Maybe you hate candles– that may be your next question: what about candle wax is erotic? Maybe you were not allowed to have candles in the home so you are triggered by the lack of safety. You could ask, “how can that be done safely”? It is the same as the cilantro: suspend the judgment and imagine that there is a table full of consenting adults who think it tastes amazing for some reason. Be open to that reason. It actually could open you up to something new!
Crystal Saiyge is a Black woman, sex-positive interfaith minister, wife, and mom of four. Her
virtual chapel, #Churchofthebando is a liberated space for global spirituality, thoughtful inspiration,
grief counseling, sex-positive education and trap karaoke. Visit crystalsaiyge.com for more info.
