This is part two of the survival guide if you find yourself in a sexless marriage. These are my best tips to thrive and still be so in love with your partner. It is absolutely possible and I am here to testify to it. Unfortunately, we knock boots all the time now so I am officially out of the club, but this was our reality as long as I could remember. Trust me on these tips. To recap: 1. Know that it is not you (believe your partner when they say this), 2. Feel sexy by your damn self (don’t be afraid to say “hey, I am horny and I need to go be alone”), 3. Keep your expectations managed that sex may not be in the cards even when you want it and 4. Try a hiatus for a while to take the pressure off. Now, let’s create an Alternative Forms of Intimacy list.
No joke– I have a list in my phone called Alternative Forms of Intimacy. It is a shared note that we created after a long journey of way-too-many conversations about it. The list was a necessity because the perpetual conversations continue to search for who and what to blame. If your partner is not able to put their finger on it, pressure is just counterproductive. My husband wanted to want to have sex with me. Notably, most of the people I talked to who were struggling with this (a few guys included), all reported the same thing. The desire is there but it is, perhaps, not strong enough to act on. I heard a woman say that her and her husband kept a candle on the nightstand to non verbally express their desire for the night. If she lit it and he was not interested, he would blow it out and vice versa. As beautiful as that is, what would it look like if I had my candle lit every night and my husband blew it out. What if he lit it because he actually wanted to but just could never mentally get there? This visual is why a list is so important. How else can we express that deep desire to one another?
Each partner can come up with a list of what makes them feel intimately connected and send it to the other person. It should be a few categories that will meet your needs in multiple environments. We have some that are rated G for when the children are up, like “a long hug” for me. We also have some that are more spontaneous and not safe for work, like sexting. Our list has about 20 items, of which I will share a couple more:
Take a shower together, have coffee together, buy a sex toy, watch a romantic comedy, offer sensate touch (which is kind of like edging but focuses more on safe touching that is giving and not receiving).
Do you notice how some are not sexual at all? That is because intimacy is really about finding things for only you and your partner. They might be things that are new to you both, or even just unique to your relationship, like I used to watch RomCom’s with my friends but I no longer do that. Workshop the list until you have them in categories like, Daytime, NSFW, X-Rated, Rated G, PDA, Wild Card, etc. Keep it fun and remember that this is a way to engage with zero expectation for intercourse. This keeps you all connected physically and mentally without the pressure of the full monty. You can and you will survive this, for this is likely just a season like any other and you have survived every season thus far. PS. Please stay in close contact with a counselor or trusted advisor who can help you set realistic expectations that envelop your relationship with love, respect, harmony, and intimate connections.
Crystal Saiyge is a Black woman, sex-positive interfaith minister, wife, and mom of four. Her
virtual chapel, #Churchofthebando is a liberated space for global spirituality, thoughtful inspiration,
grief counseling, sex-positive education and trap karaoke. Visit crystalsaiyge.com for more info.
