For most of my six-year marriage, my husband and I have been in what is considered “a sexless marriage”. We had sex, on average, once a month (or every few months ) for quite some time unless we were trying to conceive. Many life changes took place that left me looking everywhere for answers. My husband worked overnight and had zero energy and even less libido. He became a stay-at-home dad during year 4 and I just knew we would be hanging off the rafters. Nope. In fact, as our union got stronger, he was even more honest about the fact that he was just plain not feeling it. I felt rejected, unattractive, suspicious– a confluence of negative emotions and the internet was no help. Every article I found was written to women that they needed to find a way to ‘give up the goods’ or find their spark again. My favorite were the articles that suggested ‘he must be cheating’! I combed the recesses of the web and could never find anything for women who are wanting it and not getting it, or that were not laden with misogyny. So, I committed to writing down my best survival tools. This is part one of, The Sexless Marriage Survival Guide.
- Know that it is not you
No, seriously. Every other tip is useless if you internalize it. If your husband (or partner) swears it is not you, believe them. The pressure will crush you. The self-doubt can eat you alive. You can find yourself trying to tease and be coy with a brick wall essentially. It can be demoralizing and is just absolutely counterintuitive. I was drowning in the pain of rejection before I came up with these ideas.
- Feel sexy by your damn self
Buy some lingerie and use it for when you read a hot book. Use it after a bath. Put it on as you curl your hair. Who says you can’t still feel sexy and still feel desire, even if it’s from yourself. Who knows, it might lead to something hot.
- Accept that, well, it might not lead to something hot
At least it might not lead to something hot with your husband or partner. Do not be afraid to have a hot night solo. Crack open that wine and see where the night takes you. Put on some perfume, light some candles, and play some music. Ask for some space to be alone. If you are turned on, it is perfectly acceptable to ask your partner to allow you to meet your own needs. This got me through a lot of tough times and I always left the invitation open to him joining.
- Take sex off the table for a season
This is ultimately what led to us having sex regularly, ironically. We completely decided to abstain for the time being and would revisit it in a year from that time. That absence made the heart grow fonder in no time. Technically, I think it was the absence of pressure. My husband still can’t put his finger on why it worked but it allowed us to avoid the awkward bids for affection and replace them with healthy alternatives for intimacy.
Come back for part two where I will share tips to craft your Alternative Forms of Intimacy List.
Crystal Saiyge is a Black woman, sex-positive interfaith minister, wife, and mom of four. Her
virtual chapel, #Churchofthebando is a liberated space for global spirituality, thoughtful inspiration,
grief counseling, sex-positive education and trap karaoke. Visit crystalsaiyge.com for more info.
