There is a funny scene in Seinfeld where Jerry and his long-time friend, Elaine, are trying to fight the urge to get physical. At some point, the banter switches over to actually arguing in favor of just letting it happen because it wouldn’t be such a big deal, right? The scene is sampled in Wale’s song feat. SZA, The Need to Know, on “The Album About Nothing” which is a hat tip to Seinfield not truly having a plot. Here is the best snippet:
Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. [points to the bedroom] We’re in there for a while. We come right back out here. It’s not complicated.
Elaine: It’s almost stupid if we didn’t.
Jerry: It’s moronic.
Elaine: Absurd!
Jerry: Of course… I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
Elaine: Well, you know, there are always a few.
Jerry: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn’t be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.
Elaine: Devastating.
Jerry: Because this is very good. [points back and forth between them]
Elaine: And that would be good. [points to bedroom]
Jerry: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Elaine: Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.
-Episode No. 62
Have you ever done this song and dance? I know I have. “The talk” happens, likely, because we may have learned to value friendships in a different way than we value sexual relationships. Some of us may even value friendships more than we value our romantic relationships. Whatever the deal is, we know that having sex makes things complicated. That disconnect can lead to really awkward communication that actually hinders great sex. I was as vague as this banter with Jerry and Elaine when I was younger but now I’ve learned to talk dirty and clearly. Not only should we communicate that we want it, we should communicate how we want it. We owe it to ourselves to enjoy every encounter. This will be a two-part blog on how to go from whispering to screaming. The first phase is Discovery, and the second phase uses that information to become Expressive.
Discovery Phase–First Step: External Exploration
I don’t know when the female orgasm became optional but we truly owe it to ourselves to be pleasured to our full content. Unless there is some other factor that takes that goal off the table for ourselves, both people can climax with each encounter. The trick is communication but the trickiest part is that the process starts with ourselves. Our pleasure is in our own hands first. Each body has several erogenous zones that may differ from one person to the next. Try a full-body, self-massage to discover any areas that cause arousal. Try adding in a soft material to glide over your skin and alternating the intensity of pressure. Note any areas that also arise when you are with a partner you enjoy. Some things are erotic if done by the right person. Also note that areas can become erotic when your body becomes aroused due to extra blood flow and sensitivity. Once you find a new spot, you can point to the area while with your partner and say “kiss/lick/touch me here”.
Discovery Phase – Second Step: Internal Exploration
Vaginas have varied sensations depending on the depth and amount of pressure applied. Some people also experience changes after birthing children. Continue to explore your internal erogenous zones even if you’ve been sexually active for years. If you notice that a certain depth works or types of pressure, you can wait for a good moment to say, “ I want it deep today” or “not too deep today”. You can take the initiative to move yourself into positions that maximize your pleasure, like lifting your legs up during missionary for a deeper penetration, but it is still important to verbalize what you’re experiencing. This helps you and your partner learn what feels best. The trick is to keep the language coy and direct, which can be very sexy. If we aren’t naturally comfortable with dirty talk, it can all feel a little too direct but it is better to communicate clearly than to simply point, position your body, or not say anything at all. Hints make good sex take longer to achieve.
Stay tuned for part two, where we will move from the discovery phase to the expressive phase.
Crystal Saiyge is a Black woman, sex-positive interfaith minister, wife, and mom of four. Her
virtual chapel, #Churchofthebando is a liberated space for global spirituality, thoughtful inspiration,
grief counseling, sex-positive education and trap karaoke. Visit crystalsaiyge.com for more info.
