Skip links

Talk Dirty (and clearly) to me – Part 2How to communicate your intimate needs

Talking dirty is an art. In part one we discussed the importance of talking dirty and clearly. Not
only should we communicate that we want it, we should communicate how we want it. We owe it
to ourselves to enjoy every encounter, and vague communication places a stumbling block in
our own wat. The first phase is Discover, which included two steps: External Exploration,
(engaging with your body externally to discover errogenous zones) and Internal Exploration
(which explored the vagina and all of its gifts). This leads up to the nitty gritty, Expressive Phase.
How do we do it without sounding awkward ?

The best way to start, is to embrace the awkward! Knowing that it doesn’t feel natural is the key
to developing your voice. Figure out what exactly feels natural and then build it out. If you
normally don’t use crass language to describe your body parts, don’t start now. Personally, I
tend to have a potty mouth so I actually try to be a little more romantic than outside of the
bedroom. The balance is key. If ‘it feels good when you grab my breasts’ feels like too much
even when you are reading it, try ‘I like that right there’ or ‘I like how that felt’. Too often, the
expectation to have really over the top sex talk takes away from the clarity. When I was younger,
I thought I was supposed to moan every time I liked something. Its just, what the heck does that
communicate? If your partner always grabs your breast too hard and finally does it softly, what
does moaning communicate? Not much. A better expression would be “I like how soft that was”.
Try lines that praise and describe like, “whatever you just did with your tongue felt amazing”. It is
still very sexy but very clear! If you don’t like to say a lot, chances are that this type of
communication will heighten your encounters and help your partner truly learn just what to do.

The next best thing you can try, is to communicate outside of the bedroom. This can be
facilitated in various ways that keep things spicy. Remember 21 Questions and Truth or Dare?
Try a combo I call 21 Truths, where you can trade sex questions back and forth in one sitting.
Don’t have time for a long game, play over text while you all are away from one another. There
are also question games online that can take the work off of your plates. The ultimate goal is to
create a lighthearted way to communicate those instances of awkwardness, trepidations,
fantasies etc. This is the perfect time to ask for specifics that can fit into your dirty talk. “Do you
like when I pull your hair”? “How do you feel about biting”? And then feel free to allow both of
you to answer. It’s less awkward to say, “pull my hair gently” in the bedroom when you just
discussed it the day before. Believe me – smooth dirty talk is right around the corner.

We do ourselves a disservice when we decided to contort or slither all over the bed into different
positions to chase our own pleasure. We deserve to enjoy the moment and drift away. There is
absolutely nothing wrong with telling your partner that you want something different in the
moment. You will not ruin the moment if you follow these tricks. Rule of thumb: keep it coy and
direct. Vague may not land correctly and can be misinterpreted, which prolongs the
awkwardness and is distracting. Direct without the coyness can be too aggressive, or feel like
you are directing a movie. Steer clear of that unless you are into that type of thing! Coy and
direct gets the gold.

Crystal Saiyge is a Black woman, sex-positive interfaith minister, wife, and mom of four. Her
virtual chapel, #Churchofthebando is a liberated space for global spirituality, thoughtful inspiration,
grief counseling, sex-positive education and trap karaoke. Visit for more info.