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How to get your groove back after a hiatus

As I 90s baby, I constantly heard about Stella getting her groove back when I was little. Of course, I was entirely to young to know what a groove was or how to lose it but its all I heard about one summer amongst my aunties and the hair salon. I never did not watch the movie but I kept that energy in my mind. Now that I am an elder millennial, I have needed to get my groove back dozens of times. I wanted to get my groove on but I needed my groove back first!  I have been celibate for some time, taken long breaks from dating, and given birth to three children. It hasn’t always been like riding a bike.After giving birth, I was constantly covered in milk and nursing changed the sensation of my breast entirely. I also have more kids in my house, which means more little people that I think are going to wake up at the worst time. And did I mention all the body image struggles that came with pregnancy. Ironically, when I was celibate, I was at peak physical condtion and still felt awkward about sharing my body again with someone. Little did I know, that feeling doubled after having kids as many days are already filled with overstimulation. I get touched out a lot, which created some squeamishness in the bedroom!  Maybe you can relate? No matter what brings you here, these are my top 3 tips for getting that groove back. 

Create Desire

Well, in order to have sex again, you have to want to. If you already have a partner lined up, jumpstart your engine with some sexting. It doesn’t have to be elaborate– maybe even throw in some flirty comments in passing. It just has to be enough to arouse you, as women are often mentally connected to sex before the physical can flow. 

Make it Special

Daydream a bit about how you’d like your current first-time to be. It’s kind of like a grand reopening! Make it special! Send your partner your wish list, like roses and music, or lead some of the efforts yourself. YOu can even try some new lingerie! Anything that will make you feel like it is something worth looking forward to. The anticipation can help with the desire and the romantic details will make it easier to sink into the pleasure.

Take it Slow

Now is the time to bring it all together! You’ve created the mood and created a safe space to enjoy yourself. Don’t forget to take your time and give your body enough time to be present. It is totally normal to feel overly sensitive or even squeamish. Tons of foreplay helps– maybe even have your partner narrate a bit as they touch you. If that doesn’t work, put on a sexy music playlist and suggest a massage. If you’re still touchy, give the massage instead of receiving. Focus on having a sensual experience, not just the impending intercourse. Once you are ready to take it to the next level, don’t be afraid to grab some lube (even if you’ve never needed it before)! Any combination of bodily changes and mental hiccups can cause dryness or extra tightness. Relax that body and have multiple tools in your box. The trick is to stay connected to your body and have your partner go slow. 

Now go enjoy that groove and if you realize you are not ready, give yourself permission to stop at any time! 

Crystal Saiyge is a Black woman, sex-positive interfaith minister, wife, and mom of four. Her virtual chapel, #Churchofthebando is a liberated space for global spirituality, thoughtful inspiration, grief counseling, sex-positive education and trap karaoke. Visit for more info.