Skip links

Be a Sensualist like Kelly Rowland

Did you see Kelly Rowland on the Lovers and Friends podcast? Its tagline says, “Intimacy expert and sexologist Shan Boodram takes a deep dive into anything and everything about sex, relationships, and the science of attachment every week..” And, baby, that is just what she did with Kelly! This part gave me chills:

“Can you provide a PSA on kink? Not to say that you are kinky unless you want to identify as that”! Kelly responds while chuckling, “I’d say I’m a…a sensualist…kink is definitely necessary when it needs to be there, for sure, whether it’s to strike a fire…or to bring on a spontaneous moment… but I think it’s nothing wrong with kink….” then she looks at camera and softly touches her chest and says, “But I am a sensualist”. Shan immediately has to know, “You have to actually educate me right now because I can feel what that word means but I’ve actually never heard it before”!

You and me both girl. So, Kelly responds “As sensualist is somebody who senses have to be awakened in order for them to really come alive and I’m all about it smelling good, the lights being low, the music is right, the way you touch, the candle has like… it’s all about that and when it’s like that I don’t know what version of me you gonna get”, as she throws her hands up, “but you’ll get the best one.”

“That is real…when tall of my senses are awakened, I’m ….scared of what I’m gonna do. I can… completely surrender,” Kelly finished.

Kelly, you and me both, girl! There is a fair chance that you speak for a lot of us. It is often said that sex starts in the mind for women. The standard advice is to be present so you can orgasm. Stop thinking about dinner so you can really feel pleasure. Is it really that simple? What about if we shifted the language to that of the sensualist, Kelly? What if we told the world, “women will be the author of their own pleasure when we are provided the space to be sensual”? No rushing, no last minute, no quickies turned sensual. What if we really asked for and were given the space to take our sweet time? It is not just begging for more foreplay, this is a clarion call to awaken sensuality in bedrooms everywhere. When your body is given time to respond, it slowly builds up oxytocin and serotonin. Those cause moments of deep connection and desire. There is also time for blood flow to heighten the sensation around your erogenous zones. That can make anywhere a hot spot! Allowing the brain to catch up with the body also allows your vagina to relax and become naturally lubricated. Being a sensualist could unlock the best pleasure of your life!

What would this next season of sex look like for you if you and your partners traded in the obligatory for the tantalizing? What if you traded in the quantity for the quality? What could happen if you waited until you had the time to take it slow? I dare you to see what your partner(s) thinks and give it a try.

Byline – Crystal Saiyge is a Black woman, sex-positive interfaith minister, wife, and mom of four. Her virtual chapel, #Churchofthebando is a liberated space for global spirituality, thoughtful inspiration, grief counseling, sex-positive education and trap karaoke. Visit for more info.